A Life in Music

Last Day

Today was my last day at the house. 

Today was also the first day I have been at the house for an extended amount of time this week.  By extended I mean more than three hours unless sleeping.  My house ceased to feel like a home this summer, and I craked in my last week.  I spent Tudesday out of the house, came home around nine, and left again just before four in the morning.  Wednesday I went to the beach for James’ family reunion and didn’t get back until about nine again, where I snuck in, grabbed a change of clothes, and left again.  In other words, I am lucky enough that I have a place to crash.  I am lucky enough to have someone that truly wants me to crash at their house.  I don’t know if I would have been able to deal with staying at my house this week.  I’m not sure what would have happened if I had. 

I still have no desire to be at home, but I had to pack for school, so I came home Thursday for a few hours before I had to leave again, and then spent from seven this morning to about eleven packing what I didn’t do Thursday.  I have no desire to be at my house right now either, but I have no choice at the moment.  I leave tomorrow morning at eight and I need to make sure that in my mad packing rush from this morning that I didn’t leave anything behind.  I don’t want to have to come home to get anything. 

Tomorrow cannot come fast enough.  Tomorrow will be an insane day though.  I have to be up at five, get dressed, go out for a while, get back around six or six thirty, finish getting ready, pack the car, and get on the road.  Once I get to school, I will not stop moving until probably ten that night.  That doesn’t matter though.  What matters to me is that I get out.  I want out so badly.  I don’t feel wanted here, I don’t feel like what I do is accepted, and I can no longer take it.  College has come at the perfect time for me.  Yes, there is one person that I do not want to leave behind, but I know that I will be able to seem them soon.  I will deal because being here is no longer an option.     

Nine

There are nine days until I leave.  I don’t know how I am going to do it.  Today was the first day that I took charge of the fact that I am leaving.  I began the slow process of cleaning out my room and seriously looking over what I have bought for the next year.  Just because I have started to get ready to go though does not mean that I feel like it is time to yet. 

See, I wasn’t lying the other night when I said this: I am going to miss him.  I am going to miss her.  I am going to miss them.  I am going to miss every other friend that I have.  I don’t want to leave him.  I don’t want to leave her.  I don’t want to leave them.  I dont want to leave any of my friends.  I don’t want half of that them to leave because when we are both gone we will be 100 miles from each other.  I don’t want to have to deal with the fact that come November he will be 159 miles from me.  I don’t know how I am going to leave.

I don’t want to leave and find that the last place I want to come back to is here.  I don’t want to leave and find that I have made a mistake in leaving him.  I don’t want to leave him for a million reasons that I can’t even begin to put into words.  I don’t want to leave them when it has taken me 18 years to learn just how important they are in my life.  I don’t want to leave her when she is so mad and hurt at me.  I don’t want to feel like crying every single night, but never being able to do anything about it because the tears never really fall.  I don’t want to feel so afraid. 

I want to feel safe and secure in this choice.  I want to feel the way I did in November of 2008 when I was accepted to my dream school.  I want to feel the way I do when I am in his arms.  I know that when I am there I am safe, that things will work out, that we will work out, and that I have made the right choice in my school.  I want to be as sure of myself as he is of me.  I want her to understand that I am not leaving her in search of a new life and best friend.  I want them to know that they will always be my brothers, and that I will always be there for them.  I want to know that leaving will change nothing. 

I know that leaving will change everything though.  Knowing that is what has me as close to tears as I ever come every single night.  It is the reason I have been dealing with that feeling for a month now.  I don’t know how to tell anyone this though.  How do I get any of them to understand just how terrified I am?  How do I get over this fear?  How do I know that I am making the right choice?

I worry that I have not done enough to let him, her, and them know that I love them.  I worry that she will never know that no one will ever come close to what she means to me.  I worry that she will  never fully understand that I do mean she is my best friend forever.  I worry that they will never understand just how important it is to me to have them in my life.  And him, I worry that I don’t open myself up enough.  I worry that he will never truly know how much he means to me; how much I love him.  I worry that he doesn’t understand what he means to me.

So in nine days, how do I get over this?  How do I come to accept the fact that things will change?  How do I let these people know that I love them?  How do I let them know that I don’t want to leave them?  How do I make things okay?       

Roomy

I am meeting my roommate tomorrow.  I honestly am not sure if I want to or not.  Like it or not though, it is going to happen.  We have plans and I can’t back out.  I want to get to know the person that I am going to live with for the next year (whether I like it or not) and I hope that we get along.  I hope that we end up becoming friends.  I still don’t want to meet her though.  Or at least, there is this part of me that doesn’t want to.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared.  I’m a chicken in so many aspects of my life anymore.  I worry that we will hate each other on the spot.  I worry that it is just plain stupid to do this when we are going to be meeting in a little over a week anyway.  What happens if tomorrow makes that day awkward? 

I feel like all of this is happening too fast.  I feel like school came out of nowhere.  I feel like summer ended too soon.  I feel like I will never be ready to leave. 

I worry that he won’t love me when I leave.  I worry about that nightly as it is.  I worry about him when he closes up.  I worry that I hold on too hard.

I haven’t been myself emotionally in months.  I have never in my life been this insecure or unsure of anything.  I have never before felt like this.  I have never before been afraid to tell the people I love exactly what I was thinking, or feeling at the time, especially when it was about them.  And yet, that is what I am going through now.  All of this is because of school.  I never in my life thought that leave would be like this.

I can’t even find what it is I used to in music right now.  I find some sense of comfort, and being, and me in them, but not the way I used to.  I worry that things will never again be the same.     

Scared.

I am scared.

The feeling comes and goes in waves, but I am starting to wonder if it never really leaves at all.  I am starting to think that it just fades at times, and comes rushing forward others.  Right now is one of those times when it comes rushing forward. 

I am going to miss him so much.  I am going to miss her so much.  I am going to miss them so much. 

I am scared about school.  I am scared that I won’t be smart enough.  I am scared that I will be out of my league.  I am scared that I won’t make it.  I am scared he will find someone else.  I am scared that I am not enough.

I am scared that I am not enough.  I know that sounds stupid, I know that I shouldn’t worry about it, and yet I do.  I know it’s worse to say that I blame people in my past for this, but it’s true.  That isn’t the only reason though.  I don’t see myself the way you see me.  I don’t know what you see in me.  I trust you when you say that you love me, I trust you period actually.  I am scared though.  I am scared I am not enough.  It may not make sense, but it is what it is.

I worry about holding on too tight to you, and pushing you away.  That is why I say I don’t want to force you to do things.  I would hate to make you feel like you have to do something simply because I am your girlfriend and asked.  I can’t stand to make anyone feel like they have to do something, especially you.  I don’t want you to feel forced to spend time with me.  It makes me worry about texting you and calling you.  I don’t want to bother you when you are busy.  I know that you have a life that does not revolve around me.  I feel stupid on the nights when something goes wrong after I have spent a whole day with you, and all I want to do is call you.  I hate that I can’t get myself to do it.  I know why I can’t though.  There is no reason why I should unload on you.  I can get the same emotions out with a few tears, and I don’t make you worry.  I hate that I am so damned scared to ask you one question too.  There is no reason I should be.  I hate how stupid the question is, and that makes it even worse that I am scared to ask you.  I’m scared.  The funny thing though is that we don’t scare me.  We feel more right than anything.  But I am scared.  You are the best thing to ever happen to me, and I don’t want to lose you.  I love you.  You mean so much to me.

I love that I never have to be anything but myself when I am around you.  I love that you never give me a reason to be anything but that.  I just wish that I could let go of my fears.  I don’t know if there is anyway to let go of them unless I tell you though.  So I’m sending this out into the “world”, and maybe to you, hoping that I will find an answer somewhere.    

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8561.) I know, the real reason I can't sleep is because I'm not laying in your arms.

(via blogsecret)